Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Walking Through the Fog

I have wanted to blog, but the words just don't seem to come as easily right now. Life is still difficult. We recently went through a second pregnancy loss. This one called a chemical pregnancy--meaning that the embryo *may* have implanted but for whatever reason sort of stopped there and had I been more patient with testing I would have never known. I just would have been 3 days late and thought it was an off period. I'm impatient, so I took a test 2 days before Aunt Flow was due and got a pretty decent positive. I was so excited to see those two lines. 2 more positives over the next two days and I was getting excited. 3 days later we were grieving the loss of another pregnancy. My current doctor says that my hcg (hormone that says you're pregnant) was very low when I had my blood drawn and that it could have been proteins that caused some positives.

All of this has been compounded by the sheer number of pregnant bellies around me. It seems that everyone is getting pregnant, trying to get pregnant, or just had a baby. Deep down underneath my own sorrow, I am happy for them. Right now I am just sad for myself.

The recurrent theme among conversations with doctors, pastors, and friends has been patience. I often wonder if they know who they are talking to when they tell me to have patience. Do you know me? Do you know that I suck with patience? At my last doctor's appointment Greg asked for a written prescription for patience when my doctor recommended I relax, be patient, and "enjoy trying." -
-I have to interject a small tangent here.. a friend reminded me that when people say enjoy trying it's a polite way to say enjoy having sex like made me laugh so I thought I would share it.-- Back to patience, or my lack thereof. How does one who struggles with patience in everyday life be patient in suffering?

I am constantly reminded of Romans 5:3-5
"3More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, 4and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, 5and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us."
How does one rejoice in suffering? I assume patience is implied here, because if you are able to rejoice and gain endurance you are being patient. I have to believe that the only way I will be able to have joy and patience in this trial is through Jesus' power.

I say that because I am awful with patience, contentment, envy, and joy in difficulty. Jesus is the only reason I am not in a heap on the floor in a puddle of tears every day. Jesus is the only way I will find patience and joy and contentment during this tumultuous time. Jesus is my only hope and He is unshakable. He is faithful. Even if it means we have to adopt or wait years to have a child, we will persevere because Jesus' is our strength.

Last night I came upon this verse. It has resonated with me all day today. Isaiah 43:2
"2 When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;
when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,
and the flame shall not consume you."

I don't know why it stands out other than to show us that Jesus is always with us. He is always holding us up and protecting us. Lately I have felt like I am drowning. The imagery of rivers overwhelming someone are all too real to me right now. BUT, Jesus promises us that they will not overwhelm us, He will not allow the darkness to overtake the light.

I will say that there has been blessing during this trial. Jesus has been faithful and our community has stepped up to care for us. I am very bad at being cared for and feeling needy and burdensome, but I have some great friends who are willing to shoulder my burdens for now. A dear friend sent my the song "You are More" by Hillsong which says "
On the day I called // You answered me // And the hope in my soul increased // I lift my hands // And turn my eyes // To the God who heals my heart // And gives me peace // You are more than // My words could ever say //You are Lord over all // Over all of my days // I will see this season through // I will fix my eyes on You // Only You //Only You" That is what I will attempt to do. I am fixing my eyes on Jesus because he is my only constant right now. I have to say, too, that Jesus gave me an amazing husband to walk with and to share this journey with.

I keep wanting to apologize for being so open and so personal, but forgive me if I don't. I think many women go through miscarriages alone and without support. I am not saying that is wrong, for women who are very private that seems the best thing to do. Personally, I am pretty open about my life and my struggles. My hope for this blog is that it will open doors, even if it's just an encouragement to one person going through a similar struggle.

I want to end this post with verses/songs that have been an encouragement to me.

2 Corinthians 4:16-18 "
16 So we do not lose heart. Though our outer selft is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day.17 For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison,18 as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal."

"Higher than the mountains that I face // Stronger than the power of the grave // Constant through the trial and the change // One thing remains // One thing remains // Your love never fails it never gives up it never runs out on me // On and one and on and on it goes // It overwhelms and satisfies my soul // And I never ever have to be afraid " (Jesus Culture)

Zephaniah 3:17 "The Lord your God is in your midst,a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing."

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
The righteous person may have many troubles,
but the Lord delivers him from them all." Psalm 34:18-19

"I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry; He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the LORD." Psalms 40:1-3