On a constant search for perfection...

However, I will never find it. At least not on this earth. Lately, I have realized how much I desire to be perfect. To be the perfect wife, case worker, student, photographer, cook, writer, friend, lover... the list goes on and on and on. There are even days when I wish I were good at things that I have never even done. I mean, I watch SYTYCD (So you think you can dance) and constantly think... I wish I could do that. Although many of us feel that way, I tend to take it to an unhealthy level. I try to be the best at everything, and when I fail (which inevitably happens) I am left thinking I am not good enough. I read blogs and wish I could write as poetically as others. I look at photographs and try my darndest to figure out how they did what they did. I see how other wives treat their husbands and wish I could fit myself into that mold. But I can't, I just don't seem to fit.
The marvelous thing about all of this is that I don't have to fit, and honestly I shouldn't fit. I am not that person. God created me to be just that, me. Not her, not you, me. God had in mind what my talents would be, the gifts that He would thoughtfully give me, the person I would become. I find relief in that. I don't have to be perfect, because let’s face it, nobody is. However, the one who is perfect made me knowing all of my imperfections. My crooked teeth, my sarcasm, my ability to fly into a rage in mere seconds, my procrastination, my ability to come up with an opinion for just about anything (my business or not), and my constant quest for the things that I can't or don't have.

All of this is not to say that we should not strive to do God's will and be as close to perfect as a human can be (which we all know is pretty far off from perfect), but to say that it’s ok that we are not the best at everything, that we don't always have it all together. We need to stop comparing ourselves to others, or at least I do. I need to be grateful for the gifts and talents that God has given me, because He gave them for me to use. He gave them to me for a reason.

So what? I need to stop trying so hard to get the things that I don't have and work on the gifts and talents that I do have. I'm not a perfect wife, but I love my husband dearly. I am not a chef, but I love to learn new techniques and the science behind food. I am not a professional photographer, but I work hard and find solace in my creativity. I am not the perfect student or worker, but my heart is always in it. I'm not a perfect Christian who has it all together, but I love Jesus and really do want to do His will and not mine. I will never not be good enough for the mere fact that Jesus loves me, cares for me, and calls me his child.

Life in Transition

I said I would write an update blog, and here it is.

Right now the word that best captures this time in my life is Transition. I have transitioned to being a married woman, transitioned out of school, into the working world, and a lot of my friendships have been transitioning as well. I will also be making more transitions in the coming years. For a person who does not always adjust well to change, transition is a daunting word to describe your life.

For this reason, life has been somewhat difficult as of late. I have lost friends for various reasons. I have had a lot of friends move out of state, lost some to difficult situations, and others to reasons unknown to me. I have also gained friends, but for me I have always had a very difficult time making friends. I gain a lot of acquaintances, but few deep friends who I feel that I really connect with. One of my best friends just moved away out of state and now I feel that I am back in that place. A place where I feel lonely and in need of some serious girl time. Granted, she just left yesterday, I have realized that her absence leaves me with few deep married girl friendships. I have other married friends that I adore, don't get me wrong, but none that I have connected with on that level, at least yet.

So I pray. I have been praying for awhile now, and receiving prayer, that I would find a friend to fill that spot. God desires for us to have deep lasting relationships with one another. I have found that without that in my life, it is much easier for me to make a mess of it. I have struggled for a long time with feeling left out and as if I don't fit in, anywhere. I had a friend tell me once that she thought I was a "popular girl." Flattered, but confused, I laughed and asked why she would think such a thing. She explained and yet I sat there thinking that could never be, Ive never been popular. I struggle a lot with that, to this day. I take things too personally, and find ways that people ignore me or reasons that they must dislike me. I spend much of my time worrying what others think of me, rather than just simply working on the areas that need an extra bit of love and development.

So what will I do? I will work on myself. Not worry so much whether or not people like me or if I fit in. I will rely on God to bring me that deep friendship and continue to nurture the ones I have made over the past few years. I will learn to be me and let people accept me for just that, and if they don't accept me for who I am, I will learn to be ok with that.

Easier said than done I suppose. I'm a work in progress.

Marriage in Today's Society as seen through Jon and Kate Plus 8

Maybe tomorrow I will write an update blog, a lots been going on! But for the past couple weeks I have been thinking a lot about marriage in today's society. Mainly I have been thinking of the fragility of marriage today.
How often, these days, do you hear of marriages that last? How often do you see people divorce. I would say the latter is definitely winning at this point. I have always felt like marriage today is disposable. It is no longer "til death do us part" it is now "til dislike do us part" Marriage is no longer sacred (another topic for another day), no longer looked upon as something that is unending, and no longer something that people take seriously. Marriage is disposable. They even have a new term for first marriages that end in divorce... They are called the "starter marriage." Because really you can't get it right the first time and those vows you said meant nothing. Its like the "oops marriage." Oh Im sorry, I made a mistake, Oh well lets get divorced. People don't see the impact that it places on others or even themselves for that matter.


Anyways, my title had something to do with Jon and Kate plus 8 for a reason. As most people know, they may be getting divorced (some say its a ratings boost, some say there really are problems). Honestly, its not our life and not our place to even know. However, they have willingly placed themselves in the public eye and decided to show the world all of their problems. If you follow the show, you know that they just renewed their vows to say to their children that they would be together forever. Well now that their are affair rumors, tabloid stories, and the like, thus they may dissolve. What many people have been talking about is how this is affecting their children. I agree that now with them allowing the camera's to continue rolling, they are documenting something that will or could inevitably scar their children. It is not only difficult to see your parent's divorce, but utterly devastating to have it documented on a reality television show.



To my point, people seem to be forgetting how things that they do affect those around them. I can hope and pray that this family (as well as many others) will fight for their marriage and fight for the love that they once shared, but I am not those people. I do not know what is best for them or for their families. What I do know is this, this trend, this disposable marriage, is simply evidence of the loss of love for one another in today's culture. The loss of family. The loss of community. We are individualistic and we only want what is best for me, myself, and I. Until we realize that this life is not about us and start living that way, divorce rates will climb and people will continue to look out for only themselves. Jesus commands us to love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength, and love your neighbor as yourself. Love God, Love Others. Nowhere does it say that we should put ourselves first or even second for that matter. Put God first, then family, marriage, friendships, strangers, the list goes on. Then once you get through those you can worry about yourself.



I could blog, write, type, scream, and yell about this all day. Nothing will change until people realize the significance of putting others before themselves, not giving up, and fighting for what you love and what you believe in. Love God. Love People. Fight for Love. Don't give up, don't lay down and take it, do something. Change. Grow. People have lost the will to fight for love. Don't lose it, fight everyday. Fight for what is right and good. Fight for marriage, for family, for your friendships. Just don't give up.

Great News!

So, if you go back a couple of blogs you will see my utter disappointment over not getting into grad school....

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Did you see it? How sad I was, how I realized how badly I wanted to go...

Well, Guess what?!!

I GOT IN! Woot Woot!

They called me and asked if I was still interested.

I go meet with a department head next week. I can't wait.

Maybe God was teaching me a bit of patience.... Because one of the hardest lessons I am learning is that His timing is not always mine.

However, He always pulls through.

Blog on spring soon to follow!

Updates

A lot has happened since I last blogged. Some good, some bad, some funny, and some mediocre. So, I feel that it is time that I give an update.

1. Church.
Lots of good has happened with our church lately! Lets start with spring leaders retreat. It was AWESOME! I got some really great prayer, got closer with a few friends, and got baptized. Yup, you heard me, baptized. In a freezing cold pond, none the less. I have always wanted to be baptized, just kept putting it off (Ive been saved since my freshman year in high school). I think, well I know, God always knew that it would happen like this. I was baptized with (right before) my husband, at a church that I care so much about, with people I love near me. It couldn't have been any better (well warmer water would have been nice). Next we all worked our butts off to get into the new church building. I was so inspired by all of the people spending the majority of their free times working to make our church run. I was just happy to be a tiny part of such a great community of people coming together to make it work. Then Easter, we had our first service in our new building. It was amazing. Standing room only (I knew that would happen) and I was just so impressed with all of the leaders. If you can't tell, I am really proud to be a part of this church. Also, we had our families with us. My mom came down as well as Greg's parents and his younger sister. His sister, her husband and kids came too. Secretly, Greg and I are holding out that they will come be a part of our church.

2. Work
Um, well, lets see. Work is, well, work. Its hard and stressful and Im at the point were Im realizing that my life work is probably not in case management. I just don't know if I am detail oriented enough to fully function well in my job. I love what I am doing with my kids. I actually had one of my clients dad's tell me what a difference I have been making and how much he appreciates me. That doesn't happen often in social work and I am really thankful for that. I have also had a breakthrough with one of my teenagers, they got me close to crying, but I held it together. I just wish I could do all of this without having to worry about billing or paperwork, but thats not how the world works so I am going to have to find a way to push through, get organized, and challenge myself to be detail oriented.

3. Life
Life is crazy right now. We have been so busy that I feel like the last two months have just flown by. Lately, I have been shutting off when I get home from work. I am so mentally and emotionally exhausted that by the time I get home all I want to do is watch tv or be on the computer playing mindless games. That is not what I want my life to look like. I want to be young, vibrant, and active while I can. I want to give myself to my husband, rather than shut him out because I just can't deal. They tell you not to bring your work home with you, but my work has become my life. Are my kids doing ok? Will they call tonight? Who is getting removed this week? Will there be any suicide threats? Could I lose one? The list goes on. Im consumed with the what ifs and the whens. I have to find a way to shut off social worker Heather and turn on wife and friend Heather when I get home. I haven't done any photography in the past couple month's and its starting to show. I need that source of beauty and creativity in my life. Its a way that I can use my emotions and feelings and express them in a positive and healthy manner. Anyone need their picture taken?

Well Im tired and I have a somewhat busy day tomorrow, mostly paperwork (ugh). So I am off to bed, good night and sweet dreams.

when you're happy and you know it, clap your hands!!

Whenever I have a down or depressing week(s), I tend to be at my most creative. Lately, thoughts have been coming in and out of my head that I never seem to have the chance to write down. So, in as coherent of a blog as I can write, I will try to recall some of those moments of insight.

For some reason, this week the thought that keeps reoccurring is to live at the edge of your emotions. Simply put, don't hold back. Why do we have a tendency to hide how we really feel or act in certain ways to mask our emotions?

So I challenge you (the one reader I have), to live at the edge of your emotions.

If you feel like laughing; laugh loud, long, and until your belly aches. If you feel like crying; cry, sob, weep, and let the tears flow. If you feel happy; be joyous, tell people your good news, dance, sing, praise God. If your heart aches, mourn, grieve, allow it time to ache. If your mad, be mad, though not for long, get angry, punch a pillow. If you feel silly, be silly, giggle, crack jokes, be a dork. Just allow yourself to have emotion.

In our society we try so hard to fight emotion. We take pills, we cover our faces, we go to another room. We act as though know one should know how we truly feel. We act as though we are "fine", because heaven forbid we ever get down or feel sad or become emotional.

We hold back because we don't want to let others know that there is a problem. We are all fighting to be strong for each other, but in doing so we forget how to just feel. To just be. To just laugh, cry, get mad, or be silly.

Also, I challenge you, and me because I struggle with this so much, to allow others to see your down emotions. Its a lot easier to be happy and goofy with someone than it is to be sad or depressed.

What is life if we don't live it fully? Why do we have emotions if we are just going to mask them?

God gave us feelings, he gave us tear ducts, funny bones, smiles, frowns, and laughter for a reason.

Try it, don't hold back, go for it. You will feel much better when its all over. Promise.

Never ceases to amaze me

I have a fitting saying for my life at the moment (it goes with the weather as well), When it rains, it pours.

I feel like everything is just crashing down around me. People are getting arrested, my great grandmother died, and marriage turns out to actually be hard at times.

Lets start at the point that this all started, last monday I got a call that my great grandmother had passed away that morning. Now, most people may think because she was my great-grandma, that I probably wasnt close to her. BUT, due to the young mothers in my family she was only 89 (if that requires an only in front of it) and she is the reason I came to Christ. She was more like a grandmother than anything. She put me through high school at a Christian school (at a cost of like 4500/yr) because she thought I would thrive there. She helped my mother and I financially on many occasions and she cared for our futures. So, I miss her and wish I would have been a little less selfish with my time and spent more time with her. Bad day/week 1.

Next off, I come home to find out that I have some serious problems at work, I have a kid about to be in the hospital and another whose parent was just arrested. Awesome. Burn out is supposed to happen after like a year, not a month. Social work.

Then, marriage gets hard. Nothing monstrous or terribly bad, just coupled with everything else creates more tension in my life than I prefer. Dont worry, Im not badmouthing my husband and we aren't fighting. Marriage just has its downs sometimes, and right now is one of them. Life happens and things come up. Life.

Oh and the wabash is flooding, possibly for a week or two, which means I could have to work from home for the next week or so, and I had a ton of paperwork to do this week. Floods.

So there is my little rant. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day. Maybe.