Whenever I have a down or depressing week(s), I tend to be at my most creative. Lately, thoughts have been coming in and out of my head that I never seem to have the chance to write down. So, in as coherent of a blog as I can write, I will try to recall some of those moments of insight.
For some reason, this week the thought that keeps reoccurring is to live at the edge of your emotions. Simply put, don't hold back. Why do we have a tendency to hide how we really feel or act in certain ways to mask our emotions?
So I challenge you (the one reader I have), to live at the edge of your emotions.
If you feel like laughing; laugh loud, long, and until your belly aches. If you feel like crying; cry, sob, weep, and let the tears flow. If you feel happy; be joyous, tell people your good news, dance, sing, praise God. If your heart aches, mourn, grieve, allow it time to ache. If your mad, be mad, though not for long, get angry, punch a pillow. If you feel silly, be silly, giggle, crack jokes, be a dork. Just allow yourself to have emotion.
In our society we try so hard to fight emotion. We take pills, we cover our faces, we go to another room. We act as though know one should know how we truly feel. We act as though we are "fine", because heaven forbid we ever get down or feel sad or become emotional.
We hold back because we don't want to let others know that there is a problem. We are all fighting to be strong for each other, but in doing so we forget how to just feel. To just be. To just laugh, cry, get mad, or be silly.
Also, I challenge you, and me because I struggle with this so much, to allow others to see your down emotions. Its a lot easier to be happy and goofy with someone than it is to be sad or depressed.
What is life if we don't live it fully? Why do we have emotions if we are just going to mask them?
God gave us feelings, he gave us tear ducts, funny bones, smiles, frowns, and laughter for a reason.
Try it, don't hold back, go for it. You will feel much better when its all over. Promise.
Friday, March 13, 2009
Monday, March 9, 2009
Never ceases to amaze me
I have a fitting saying for my life at the moment (it goes with the weather as well), When it rains, it pours.
I feel like everything is just crashing down around me. People are getting arrested, my great grandmother died, and marriage turns out to actually be hard at times.
Lets start at the point that this all started, last monday I got a call that my great grandmother had passed away that morning. Now, most people may think because she was my great-grandma, that I probably wasnt close to her. BUT, due to the young mothers in my family she was only 89 (if that requires an only in front of it) and she is the reason I came to Christ. She was more like a grandmother than anything. She put me through high school at a Christian school (at a cost of like 4500/yr) because she thought I would thrive there. She helped my mother and I financially on many occasions and she cared for our futures. So, I miss her and wish I would have been a little less selfish with my time and spent more time with her. Bad day/week 1.
Next off, I come home to find out that I have some serious problems at work, I have a kid about to be in the hospital and another whose parent was just arrested. Awesome. Burn out is supposed to happen after like a year, not a month. Social work.
Then, marriage gets hard. Nothing monstrous or terribly bad, just coupled with everything else creates more tension in my life than I prefer. Dont worry, Im not badmouthing my husband and we aren't fighting. Marriage just has its downs sometimes, and right now is one of them. Life happens and things come up. Life.
Oh and the wabash is flooding, possibly for a week or two, which means I could have to work from home for the next week or so, and I had a ton of paperwork to do this week. Floods.
So there is my little rant. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day. Maybe.
I feel like everything is just crashing down around me. People are getting arrested, my great grandmother died, and marriage turns out to actually be hard at times.
Lets start at the point that this all started, last monday I got a call that my great grandmother had passed away that morning. Now, most people may think because she was my great-grandma, that I probably wasnt close to her. BUT, due to the young mothers in my family she was only 89 (if that requires an only in front of it) and she is the reason I came to Christ. She was more like a grandmother than anything. She put me through high school at a Christian school (at a cost of like 4500/yr) because she thought I would thrive there. She helped my mother and I financially on many occasions and she cared for our futures. So, I miss her and wish I would have been a little less selfish with my time and spent more time with her. Bad day/week 1.
Next off, I come home to find out that I have some serious problems at work, I have a kid about to be in the hospital and another whose parent was just arrested. Awesome. Burn out is supposed to happen after like a year, not a month. Social work.
Then, marriage gets hard. Nothing monstrous or terribly bad, just coupled with everything else creates more tension in my life than I prefer. Dont worry, Im not badmouthing my husband and we aren't fighting. Marriage just has its downs sometimes, and right now is one of them. Life happens and things come up. Life.
Oh and the wabash is flooding, possibly for a week or two, which means I could have to work from home for the next week or so, and I had a ton of paperwork to do this week. Floods.
So there is my little rant. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day. Maybe.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Up, Down, All around
Curve balls are an expected, obvious part of life. Over the past few months I have seen my fair share of curve balls, plus some.
I wanted to go to grad school, then I didn't, then I wanted to go for school counseling, then I was unsure, then I wanted to start an orphanage, then I was unsure, then it all got flipped on its side. I had said for the past month that if I did not get into grad school I would probably see that as my answer as to whether or not I should go. Then, it came, the email of all emails. My husband warned me of its arrival (but did so in a deceiving manner). The words were clear as day, yet stark as night. "You have many qualities that we like to see in a school counselor, HOWEVER, because of the great pool of people you have been placed on our wait list."
I had waited for this moment for a month, my expectations were that I would be fine either way, ecstatic if I got in, relieved if I did not. Emotions are tricky, they sneak up on you when you least expect them. I bawled. I cried for the whole night basically. Although it was not a clear rejection, it was like getting dumped. Lets just be friends and see where it goes from there.
So, as I always say, what now, what are you going to do about it. After the initial rejection wore off, relief did come. Relief that I may be able to start a family sooner than I had thought, relief that I have the option of starting the orphanage/group home, relief that I can be a foster parent within the next 4 years. My relief was just a bit delayed, due to the snow perhaps.
Now, I still feel like Im floundering a bit. I don't yet know if I have clear direction. But, man I love working with my kids. Ive only had them for a couple weeks and they stress me out and make me crazy, but I love them. Needless to say, I like my job.
Also, I have options, I am not bound to one major or one career path. I just keep praying that God uses me however he pleases, and that my flip-flop-dont-know-what-to-do-with-my-life-feel-like-Im-going-in-a-million-directions funk doesn't get in the way of HIS plans for my life.
Maybe Im just a little bit crazy (you have to be to work in social work), but I am kind of liking where I am at all the sudden. Not completely knowing lends to my reliance on God, and thats a good place to be.
There's your update, in as creative of a blog as I can muster after a long day.
Who knows, maybe I will just end up a photographer, God has done stranger things...
I wanted to go to grad school, then I didn't, then I wanted to go for school counseling, then I was unsure, then I wanted to start an orphanage, then I was unsure, then it all got flipped on its side. I had said for the past month that if I did not get into grad school I would probably see that as my answer as to whether or not I should go. Then, it came, the email of all emails. My husband warned me of its arrival (but did so in a deceiving manner). The words were clear as day, yet stark as night. "You have many qualities that we like to see in a school counselor, HOWEVER, because of the great pool of people you have been placed on our wait list."
I had waited for this moment for a month, my expectations were that I would be fine either way, ecstatic if I got in, relieved if I did not. Emotions are tricky, they sneak up on you when you least expect them. I bawled. I cried for the whole night basically. Although it was not a clear rejection, it was like getting dumped. Lets just be friends and see where it goes from there.
So, as I always say, what now, what are you going to do about it. After the initial rejection wore off, relief did come. Relief that I may be able to start a family sooner than I had thought, relief that I have the option of starting the orphanage/group home, relief that I can be a foster parent within the next 4 years. My relief was just a bit delayed, due to the snow perhaps.
Now, I still feel like Im floundering a bit. I don't yet know if I have clear direction. But, man I love working with my kids. Ive only had them for a couple weeks and they stress me out and make me crazy, but I love them. Needless to say, I like my job.
Also, I have options, I am not bound to one major or one career path. I just keep praying that God uses me however he pleases, and that my flip-flop-dont-know-what-to-do-with-my-life-feel-like-Im-going-in-a-million-directions funk doesn't get in the way of HIS plans for my life.
Maybe Im just a little bit crazy (you have to be to work in social work), but I am kind of liking where I am at all the sudden. Not completely knowing lends to my reliance on God, and thats a good place to be.
There's your update, in as creative of a blog as I can muster after a long day.
Who knows, maybe I will just end up a photographer, God has done stranger things...
Friday, February 13, 2009
Really?!?!?!?
So, we all know the economy is in the tank, but some idiot can afford to spend almost $40,000 on a (singular) picture of Madonna.
Really?
Im sorry, but no wonder we have a credit crisis, people spend absurd amounts of money on the stupidest things!
Really?
Im sorry, but no wonder we have a credit crisis, people spend absurd amounts of money on the stupidest things!
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Inspired
I was in need of some creativity so I went on a little adventure around Tippecanoe county and got some of my favorite shots to date! The colors and the beauty in the run down things is what really intrigued me! Enjoy...
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Think about it....
Makes you think...
What I find astonishing is that pro-choice, pro-abortion, pro-whatever, people are up in arms saying this guy should be put away for murder.
You tell me, what is the difference between killing the baby inside the womb versus outside?
If you want some extra fun reading check out the comments for Dr. Manny's take (its a link within the story)
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,488644,00.html
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Topsy Turvy
I'm feeling a bit lost lately. Not sure where I fit in. With friends, with work, with possible furthering of education, and with possible parenthood on the horizon (no not pregnant and not planning on it, more on that later.)
I'm in this odd area of life, one that I am none to familiar with, and not to pleased with either. Although I enjoy being young, married, and out trying to save the world, I still feel like I'm stuck in the middle. Im young enough that I should be hanging out with friends, going out, having fun, and at the same time working on mutual married couple friends. It just gets confusing at times. To be completely honest, I have always had a really hard time feeling like I fit in, so this weird area only intensifies the issue.
Work thus far has been great, I really think I will enjoy my job. Its just that right now I'm the new kid in school and I hate that feeling. I had grown accustomed to working in a small office with 5 other women who had very similar values to mine. Now I work in a mental hospital with proably 30 to 50 women and men on my wing alone, all with different values and ideas, and well its just a lot more lonely, at least for now. Things will improve, it takes time to get acclimated to new people, new surroundings, and new bosses.
As for the parenting comment. I was in target probably a week or two ago when I overheard a couple talking to another couple about how they just got a new foster child. I left the store thinking, I wish that were me, I wish I were able to start helping those kids now. Then I started reading this book, Crazy Love by Francis Chan, and he talks about living your life to the fullest potential that God has given you and not waiting, because lets be honest, we may not be here tomorrow. So, a night in which I thought I would read one chapter, turned into two, then three, then half the book and three pages of journaling later and I realize, What the heck am I waiting for.
There is the obvious that Greg needs to finish college and we would like to have a house before we start this (for stability for the child) but other than that, what are we waiting for? Nowhere does it say that you must be 30 with three children of your own and all in school, to begin to be a foster parent. Nowhere does it say that you even have to be married or own your own home, or know what your plan is for life, or even have a plan for that matter. So you tell me, what am I waiting for? Sounds sort of silly now doesn't it. Granted becoming a mother at 24 or 25 terrifies me, especially a mother of a child who has been through more than me, I know that my passion is giving these kids a home. I don't care who they are, what they've been through, or what they have done, I just want them to have a place where they feel like they belong, a place to be loved.
Understand this is still in question, but its just been something that has been on my heart lately, and even Greg's. So, I guess for now, I will go on trusting God that he has a path and that as long as I follow him, I will end up on that path.
I think that part of my frustration lies in the fact that I don't have my own plan laid out anymore. I used to be set: get married, get an internship at riley, become a child life specialist, go on with my life. Then it turned into maybe not child life, then maybe grad school. All of the sudden I don't know which way to go, which way to turn, and I just feel lost. So, Ill keep praying and hoping that God gives me ears to hear when he answers.
Ok enough tangents. Goodnight.
I'm in this odd area of life, one that I am none to familiar with, and not to pleased with either. Although I enjoy being young, married, and out trying to save the world, I still feel like I'm stuck in the middle. Im young enough that I should be hanging out with friends, going out, having fun, and at the same time working on mutual married couple friends. It just gets confusing at times. To be completely honest, I have always had a really hard time feeling like I fit in, so this weird area only intensifies the issue.
Work thus far has been great, I really think I will enjoy my job. Its just that right now I'm the new kid in school and I hate that feeling. I had grown accustomed to working in a small office with 5 other women who had very similar values to mine. Now I work in a mental hospital with proably 30 to 50 women and men on my wing alone, all with different values and ideas, and well its just a lot more lonely, at least for now. Things will improve, it takes time to get acclimated to new people, new surroundings, and new bosses.
As for the parenting comment. I was in target probably a week or two ago when I overheard a couple talking to another couple about how they just got a new foster child. I left the store thinking, I wish that were me, I wish I were able to start helping those kids now. Then I started reading this book, Crazy Love by Francis Chan, and he talks about living your life to the fullest potential that God has given you and not waiting, because lets be honest, we may not be here tomorrow. So, a night in which I thought I would read one chapter, turned into two, then three, then half the book and three pages of journaling later and I realize, What the heck am I waiting for.
There is the obvious that Greg needs to finish college and we would like to have a house before we start this (for stability for the child) but other than that, what are we waiting for? Nowhere does it say that you must be 30 with three children of your own and all in school, to begin to be a foster parent. Nowhere does it say that you even have to be married or own your own home, or know what your plan is for life, or even have a plan for that matter. So you tell me, what am I waiting for? Sounds sort of silly now doesn't it. Granted becoming a mother at 24 or 25 terrifies me, especially a mother of a child who has been through more than me, I know that my passion is giving these kids a home. I don't care who they are, what they've been through, or what they have done, I just want them to have a place where they feel like they belong, a place to be loved.
Understand this is still in question, but its just been something that has been on my heart lately, and even Greg's. So, I guess for now, I will go on trusting God that he has a path and that as long as I follow him, I will end up on that path.
I think that part of my frustration lies in the fact that I don't have my own plan laid out anymore. I used to be set: get married, get an internship at riley, become a child life specialist, go on with my life. Then it turned into maybe not child life, then maybe grad school. All of the sudden I don't know which way to go, which way to turn, and I just feel lost. So, Ill keep praying and hoping that God gives me ears to hear when he answers.
Ok enough tangents. Goodnight.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)