Hello world, I’m back. Well, for today. Who knows when I will have a brief moment to write again. My world has been turned upside down since I last blogged. I’ve been changed, our family has almost doubled in size and I’ve begun to view the world in a whole new light.
We became foster parents. I thought I knew what I was signing up for. I thought I knew the system and I still think I do in some respects. However, I am seeing a whole new side to the world of foster care that you simply cannot know unless you have lived it.
I have watched children sit in a car that they had never seen and know that they are heading to a home with people they have never met.
I’ve watched that reality sink in day after day. I’ve watched it hit them and crush them at the most unexpected of times. I’ve listened countless times to the unanswerable question of “when will we go home?”
I’ve listened to a monitor while a child prayed and sobbed to Jesus begging him to go home.
I’ve listened to that child’s sibling proclaim “I can hear God, he’s in my brain” while the other cries that they can’t hear God.
I’ve watched as anger bursts forth and the words “I hate it here” erupt from a broken heart.
I’ve watched as professionals and those most involved in the justice of this case listen and learn and try to do what’s best. I’ve also watched people who seem to forget that these kiddos have just experienced likely the biggest trauma of their lives.
I’ve watched my kids go from calling them the “new kids” to talking about how much they love them.
I’ve been allowed into a family who may often see me as an extension of the people they feel they need to fight to get these kids back. But, I’ve been respected and welcomed even so.
I’ve watched myself grow and struggle and fight to be a gentle parent who uses calm words instead of loud words.
I’ve felt like I was going to drown in my insecurity and fear and I’ve been more bold than I ever imagined.
I’ve fought fear harder, and felt love deeper.
I’ve been changed.