God is Faithful

I haven't updated this blog in awhile for a very specific reason. I knew that I would not be able to contain my excitement for what was happening.

I'm pregnant!!!!!! Not only am I pregnant but at just shy of 12 weeks we heard our sweet little one's heart beating away. My nurse practitioner said that at the end of your first trimester, hearing the heartbeat on the Doppler is a very good sign and that my risk of miscarrying is now down below 3%.

I cannot tell you how thankful I am that it seems like this one is going to stick. I know there are no guarantees, but I am trusting in God's plan for this all. I am amazed at how much trust God has built into me over the last 6 months. With my history of miscarriage/chemical pregnancy I would have assumed that I would be a wreck for the first trimester of my next pregnancy. Instead, God gave me so much peace and reassurance that I couldn't help but trust. It has been helpful that I have dealt with some pretty substantial morning sickness (going on 5 days without throwing up! Woo Hoo!) and I have really "felt" pregnant this time. It's all God. Left to my own devices I would have been fearful, anxious, and lacking of any trust. But in His great mercy and grace, God has given me so much peace and calmness.

I won't keep rambling on and on, but realize this: God is faithful. He hears our prayers and He answers them. God is bigger than our problems and He knows what is best for us and so I will choose to trust Him through this pregnancy, knowing that His ways are higher than mine and He works all things together for the GOOD of those who love him.

God is so very good :)

Walking Through the Fog

I have wanted to blog, but the words just don't seem to come as easily right now. Life is still difficult. We recently went through a second pregnancy loss. This one called a chemical pregnancy--meaning that the embryo *may* have implanted but for whatever reason sort of stopped there and had I been more patient with testing I would have never known. I just would have been 3 days late and thought it was an off period. I'm impatient, so I took a test 2 days before Aunt Flow was due and got a pretty decent positive. I was so excited to see those two lines. 2 more positives over the next two days and I was getting excited. 3 days later we were grieving the loss of another pregnancy. My current doctor says that my hcg (hormone that says you're pregnant) was very low when I had my blood drawn and that it could have been proteins that caused some positives.

All of this has been compounded by the sheer number of pregnant bellies around me. It seems that everyone is getting pregnant, trying to get pregnant, or just had a baby. Deep down underneath my own sorrow, I am happy for them. Right now I am just sad for myself.

The recurrent theme among conversations with doctors, pastors, and friends has been patience. I often wonder if they know who they are talking to when they tell me to have patience. Do you know me? Do you know that I suck with patience? At my last doctor's appointment Greg asked for a written prescription for patience when my doctor recommended I relax, be patient, and "enjoy trying." --I have to interject a small tangent here.. a friend reminded me that when people say enjoy trying it's a polite way to say enjoy having sex like rabbits...it made me laugh so I thought I would share it.-- Back to patience, or my lack thereof. How does one who struggles with patience in everyday life be patient in suffering?

I am constantly reminded of Romans 5:3-5
"³More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, ⁴and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, ⁵and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us."
How does one rejoice in suffering? I assume patience is implied here, because if you are able to rejoice and gain endurance you are being patient. I have to believe that the only way I will be able to have joy and patience in this trial is through Jesus' power.

I say that because I am awful with patience, contentment, envy, and joy in difficulty. Jesus is the only reason I am not in a heap on the floor in a puddle of tears every day. Jesus is the only way I will find patience and joy and contentment during this tumultuous time. Jesus is my only hope and He is unshakable. He is faithful. Even if it means we have to adopt or wait years to have a child, we will persevere because Jesus' is our strength.

Last night I came upon this verse. It has resonated with me all day today. Isaiah 43:2
"² When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;
when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,
and the flame shall not consume you."

I don't know why it stands out other than to show us that Jesus is always with us. He is always holding us up and protecting us. Lately I have felt like I am drowning. The imagery of rivers overwhelming someone are all too real to me right now. BUT, Jesus promises us that they will not overwhelm us, He will not allow the darkness to overtake the light.

I will say that there has been blessing during this trial. Jesus has been faithful and our community has stepped up to care for us. I am very bad at being cared for and feeling needy and burdensome, but I have some great friends who are willing to shoulder my burdens for now. A dear friend sent my the song "You are More" by Hillsong which says "On the day I called // You answered me // And the hope in my soul increased // I lift my hands // And turn my eyes // To the God who heals my heart // And gives me peace // You are more than // My words could ever say //You are Lord over all // Over all of my days // I will see this season through // I will fix my eyes on You // Only You //Only You" That is what I will attempt to do. I am fixing my eyes on Jesus because he is my only constant right now. I have to say, too, that Jesus gave me an amazing husband to walk with and to share this journey with.

I keep wanting to apologize for being so open and so personal, but forgive me if I don't. I think many women go through miscarriages alone and without support. I am not saying that is wrong, for women who are very private that seems the best thing to do. Personally, I am pretty open about my life and my struggles. My hope for this blog is that it will open doors, even if it's just an encouragement to one person going through a similar struggle.

I want to end this post with verses/songs that have been an encouragement to me.

2 Corinthians 4:16-18 "16 So we do not lose heart. Though our outer selft is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day.17 For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison,18 as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal."

"Higher than the mountains that I face // Stronger than the power of the grave // Constant through the trial and the change // One thing remains // One thing remains // Your love never fails it never gives up it never runs out on me // On and one and on and on it goes // It overwhelms and satisfies my soul // And I never ever have to be afraid " (Jesus Culture)

Zephaniah 3:17 "The Lord your God is in your midst,a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing."

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
The righteous person may have many troubles,
but the Lord delivers him from them all." Psalm 34:18-19

"I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry; He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the LORD." Psalms 40:1-3

Breaking the Silence

I debated on whether or not I should write this blog. I wondered if it was too personal, too sad, or even too taboo. I wondered how people would react to someone being so open about something so painful and often not spoken about. Then, I decided that this blog is where I share most of my feelings, good and bad. I realized that I find healing in writing things down. For me, healing takes place when I take the thoughts swimming through my head and put them into words or onto paper. When the thoughts get trapped in my head they seem to weigh me down. They build on each other and grow and grow until my mind feels like it might burst. I’ve thought about this a lot and decided it’s time to share.

At the end of May I had a miscarriage at 12 weeks. The day I had been looking forward to for 3 months was turned into the day from hell. Our precious little baby had stopped growing at 9 weeks. For over 3 weeks my body tried to hold on to something that was lost. I won’t go into all of the details but the story of the actual miscarriage ended with waiting for almost a week and then going through a D&C. My body was determined to keep the pregnancy going even when it couldn’t.

Now, I’m here grieving the loss of a child I never knew. More than that, I’m grieving the loss of a future that had been dreamed about since we started trying to get pregnant. I thought about whom this child would become, what they would look like, and how much they would love Jesus. I felt as though I was having a boy, and I wondered what a great big brother they would be. I wondered how they would lead their future siblings to follow Jesus. I thought about how great of a dad Greg would be. I often daydreamed of the day that he would look into our child’s eyes and fall deeply in love with them. I looked forward to our first Christmas as a family. Now, I am left alone with my thoughts.

The past month and a half has not been what I thought it would be. As we all know, God’s timing is best. But, to be honest I still struggle with why this is happening and why now. I am left waiting on God to show me how this fits into His plan. I know that He will, but right now I seem to be stuck in murky waters. Life is confusing and little seems to be going our way. But, we are blessed and I will continue to do my best to praise Jesus in the midst of this trial. Every time I get knocked down I know that He will pick me back up. When I feel like crumbling under the pressure of life, I know that he will hold me close. Our God is a loving and gracious God and He does all things for the good of those who trust Him. So, I hold on to that hope. I am learning how to trust Him and His plan for my life. I know that He is good and I just hope and pray that He is glorified through my life.

The other piece of hope I hold dear is knowing that our dear child is now with Jesus. He or She didn’t even have to endure the troubles of this world. They are praising Jesus in heaven. Better they be with Jesus, than here for my selfish wishes. As much as I grieve the loss of the days I would have had with our precious baby, I praise God that they are safe in His arms.

So, we will keep moving through the murky waters of grief with hope of some clarity. Right now we are stuck figuring out where to go from here. When a job recently came open I had hope that maybe God just really wanted me to be a school counselor for awhile, but that fell through and now I am left wondering what to do. So I wait on Jesus and pray that He is glorified even in my grief.

Banana Ice Cream

Wowzers, I must have other things to do! What else would explain two blogs in 3 days?

My favorite form of procrastination! Anyways, this will be quick. I mean Q-U-I-C-K quick!

Hold on to your hats, here we go.

We all know I LOVE ice cream. Seriously, I have an unhealthy passion for all things ice cream. BUT and this is a big but (like the one I'll probably get from all the ice cream I eat), I've never attempted to make it at home. Reason: you need a fancy machine (which I have no room for), salt, and the kicker: patience (which I lack when it comes to ice cream).

So why in the world am I telling you all of this? Because, there has been an answer to my problem! I can now make ice cream at home! Guess what, it's healthy too! (are you blown away yet?)

Banana Ice Cream: so simple I might cry.

Here is what you need:

Bananas

Food Processor or Blender

Here is how you make it:

1. cut bananas (2 makes a decent bowl full, probably 2 servings)

2. freeze them

3. blend or process until smooth.

4. Eat your delicious concoction.

Can you believe it! I couldn't. I thought surely this would taste weird. I mean, where is the chocolate? The caramel? The 23 additives?

It. is. amazing. I do plan to try it with chocolate, caramel, and nuts sometime. You know, turn it into unhealthy ice cream. But for now I just enjoy it whenever I have bananas getting all brown and weird.

Go eat some now... I mean it.

Paper Hearts

I hope this post makes you think. I hope it gets to you. I hope this post breaks your heart, then gives you hope. I hope it makes you want to do something, to take action. I hope it gives you a deep desire to help others.

My dear friend Mindy works with Back2Back ministries in Mexico and she shared this video on her blog. Many of the people who read my blog probably follow hers as well, but I still felt compelled to share it in my own way.

This video talks much about the orphans heart, but the analogy is far more reaching than just the orphans in mexico. This analogy could be used for any orphan anywhere. Also, I think of the widows. Not just the widows who have had their husband die, but those whose husbands have abandoned them. Those who have been beaten down by a man, physically or verbally. Men who have had abusive fathers. Women who have been abused. The victim who has been blamed; "It's your own fault you don't have a job" "It's your fault you can't afford food." Children living with parents who don't show a trace of love to them. Those who have had addiction rule their lives. The homeless. The jobless. The single mothers. The drug addict. Your neighbor. Your friend. Your family member. You.

We all have paper hearts.



Psalms 10:14,17-18

You are the helper of the fatherless. LORD, You have heard the desire of the humble; You will prepare their heart; You will cause Your ear to hear, To do justice to the fatherless and the oppressed, That the man of the earth may oppress no more.

Isaiah 1:17

¹⁷ Learn to do right; seek justice. Defend the oppressed. Take up the cause of the fatherless;
plead the case of the widow.

Proverbs 31:8-9

⁸ Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, for the rights of all who are destitute. ⁹ Speak up and judge fairly; defend the rights of the poor and needy.

Surviving

I feel like I'm in survival mode right now. Perhaps that is why I haven't blogged in over a month, it's not really on my mind. Don't get me wrong, I don't plan to make this post full of complaints. i just realize that I have been so focused on work and school and not failing statistics, that I have put almost everything else on the back burner. However, there is hope. The evening of May 3rd I will take my final final! I will have completed my Master's and I will be free. Then life will probably get crazy in all sorts of other ways, but I just can't wait to have my evenings and weekends and days back.

Even now, I'm just at a loss for what to write. Any thoughts that seem to make sense simply drift in and out of my head. By the time I'm ready to catch them, they have flown away. I'm left grasping for words and coherency.

The thing is, I know that from now on there probably won't be a time in life when I am not busy. When school is done I hope to find a job, from there maybe kiddos, and then who knows.

Wow, this is a bummer of a post. I think I've been a bummer to be around. Ok, that's it! Let's get some happy talk on this page before I drive everyone else away!

Happy thoughts, think happy thoughts.

Even though I have been terribly busy, life has been really good lately. I find myself falling more in love with my husband every day. In fact, over spring break we have decided that it is finally time to take a honeymoon. So, while all of you Hoosiers will be freezing your patooties off, I will be laying on the beach next to the best husband in the world.

God has been teaching me a lot about patience, trust, and forgiveness. I'm really grateful for that.

Today was warm. It was amazing. I went outside without a coat... it's amazing what going outside without a coat can do for your mood :)

I bought a new purse today. It is the first purse I have purchased in like 2 years. It's yellow. Yellow makes me smile and feel all sorts of warm inside. Now, I get to take yellow with me everywhere. Happiness in purse form.

This summer will be great! I already have a job possibility for the summer, and I plan to do lots of photography and lots of sewing!

Ok, I'm rambling. I need to go find stuff for the clothing exchange tomorrow!

Goodnight

Only 5 weeks late

Boy, have I been busy. Lets recap my Christmas break thus far:
I finished my final papers
We took a mini-vacation to Indy
We packed
We went to Fort Wayne for 3 days
We saw 4 families in 2 days
We came back
We packed
We moved
We unpacked
I started my new assistantship

Now that Ive had a moment to breathe, I finally decided that I would post those pumpkin sugar cookies that I was so excited about.

Enjoy!

Pumpkin Sugar Cookies

3/4 C butter
1/2 C pumpkin
1 1/3 C sugar
2 eggs
1 tsp vanilla
1 1/4 tsp baking poweder
3/4 tsp salt
1 1/2 tsp pumpkin pies spice

1.In a large bowl, cream together butter and sugar. Beat in pumpkin. Add eggs and vanilla, beat until incorporated.

2. Sift together flour, baking powder, salt, and pumpkin pie spice. Stir into batter.

3. Cover and chill overnight or at least 1 hour.

4. Preheat oven to 400* F

5. Roll out dough on floured (or you can use powdered sugar for a sweeter cookie) surface 1/4-1/2 in thick.

6. Bake 6-8 minutes

Cover with your favorite sugar cookie icing and enjoy!