Sunday, September 2, 2012

Being Mom

My last post, though littered with typos and misfit wording (thanks iPhone) was just the beginning of my feelings on being a new mom. Now, I am 10 weeks in (say what?!) and everyday I continue to learn and grow. Jesus is continually challenging my perceptions of motherhood, wifedom, and the like. 

I am often challenged to trust my creator more than I have had to before, to rely on Jesus to bring me peace. I had a feeling Jesus would challenge me in many areas, trust being the main one. I had no idea He would decide that this time of great change and upheaval would be a wonderful time to challenge my identity, my ideas on womanhood, my fit into ministry and life, and my understanding of true joy and happiness. I think God's sense of humor often shines in His timing.

The latter of those was probably the most surprising. One would assume that when you have everything you wanted (stable job, great husband, house, baby, financial security) that you would inherently find happiness and joy. That has not been the case for me, and it ought not be for you either. Do not misread what I am saying. Those things bring me great joy. My husband's caring demeanor and ultra helpfulness, along with his foray into fatherhood makes my heart overflow with happiness and thankfulness. My sweet daughter's smiles make me cry tears of joy often. 

But still, many days I have found myself unhappy. I find myself, overwhelmed, anxious, tired, and just down. The best conclusion I have come to is understanding that my joy cannot solely come from what God does for me, but who God is. I often feel the weight of what God has given me, and I have immense fear of it being ripped from my grasp. This is when I came to the conclusion that my hope, happiness, and joy must come primarily from Jesus. What he has given me brings me great joy, but my trust must rely on Jesus, not my possessions. Jesus ought to be my all regardless of my life circumstance, be it joyous or dismal.

In my attempts to have it all together, to find happiness, I am often fraught with anxiety about what may go wrong, what I could lose. I am reminded often that I need Jesus. I can never have it all together, I can never predict what will or will not happen. Instead, I learn to trust, I learn to lean on Jesus. 

Zechariah 2:5 says "And I will be to her a wall of fire all around, declares the Lord, and I will be the glory in her midst." This is a promise of God, that he will protect us and that through his protection and his ultimate goodness, HE will be glorified. What peace that verse brings, and what joy. That in God's mighty love for us, he would protect his children. So, I rest in this truth, knowing that bad things will happen, I won't always be the best mother, wife, friend or daughter, but in the end God will be there and He will be glorified. 

 Being Mom to this girl:

and wife to this guy: 
are the greatest gifts God has ever given me!

Thursday, July 26, 2012


Forgive the me for the lack of posts as of late, having a baby is a wonderfully tiring experience and one in which little else seems to matter. However, as I lay here with a semi awake baby on my chest with my husband snoring away next to me, I can't help but be so thankful for the grace of God and what he has done for us in the past year. When you lose a baby to miscarriage, the following baby is called your rainbow by. I am not sure who deemed it so, but it is so incredibly fitting. A year ago we were still mourning the loss of our precious baby that we never knew and now I am laying here with our gift from God, our answer to prayer. God chose the rainbow as a symbol of his fulfillment of his promises and that is exactly what this feels like, a fulfillment of something we hoped and prayed for. I am often overcome with gratitude for this wonderful gift of a child. I will just stare at her and think "why would God be so gracious to give us this chance to be her parents because we definitely do not deserve such a gift." Motherhood is challenging on so many levels but I really do love if. You dont know what Selflessness is until you have a child. You also realize how much trust is required tod you to trust Jesus with. Of only your life but you or child's as well. Well she is asleep so I need to attempt to sleep as well. More later.

Thursday, May 10, 2012

The Adventure that is Life

"Life is an adventure."
That is what my grandfather said to me months ago after our miscarriage and subsequent struggles. It struck a chord with me then, and it has stayed with me for the past months. I have realized that this quote has never been more accurate a description for our life. The past year has held so many ups and downs, laughter and tears, grief and excitement, and so much more. I am not sure God could pack more into one year.
In the past year we had a miscarriage, followed by a second loss (chemical pregnancy), and in October we found out we were expecting again. Then 10 weeks in we got to hear our precious little girl's heartbeat. I will never forget the relief I felt when we heard that wonderful sound. 10 weeks later we got to see her and name her Ellia. Ellia means the Lord has answered, and her name could not be more fitting. We prayed hard for this little girl and He answered us.
During this time I had finished graduate school and began looking for a job as a school counselor. I had an interview for my dream job and did not get it. Instead, I took a low paying, but fun job as a para at a local middle school. I grew to love those kids and I am glad that I've been able to keep in touch with them. I applied for a job at Purdue, not expecting to get it and to our surprise, I did. I am amazed at how much I enjoy my job and God has placed me in a position that will allow me to work from home some after Baby E makes her debut.
On top of all of this Greg also took a new position at a local bank and began working normal hours with a consistent paycheck. For the first time in our marriage we were finally able to start saving money to purchase something big, something really big. Last month, we bought our first home. The home where we will raise Baby E and hopefully some of her siblings. Oh and for over a month we had a teenager living with us while he figured out some family issues.
So to tally that is: 1 graduation, 3 job changes, 1 successful pregnancy, 1 new puppy, 1 new house, 1 extended visitor, and numerous other ups and downs.
We had both been praying that God would move us into a time of blessing, I just hadn't expected that God would throw everything at us at once. I am immensely grateful for His grace and patience during this stress filled last year. God's provision has been so evident over the past year, and yet at times I still let everything overwhelm me. I have to constantly remind myself to focus on what he has done for us, but at the same time remember that it is not about what He does for us, it's about who he is and how he changes us to make us more like him. To build character in us. It's not always pleasant, but in the end it is always worth it. The last 5 years have been nothing short of an adventure.
I have to end this post by thanking God for providing an amazing husband to lead and walk beside me during the past 5 years. Our anniversary is this weekend and I am just overcome with thankfulness for the man of God that Greg is. I don't know how to end this post with anything other than thanking God for His provision and grace over the last year.

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Lunch Break Blog

I don't quite know why I am so compelled to write during my lunch break today. I have been blogging all morning for work, you would think it would be the last thing on my mind.

I don't quite know what God is doing today, but I just feel so filled with joy all of the sudden. Joy for my pregnancy and precious baby girl that has been kicking away today. Joy for being Greg's wife, I really have not met a man with more integrity, kindness, and patience than my husband. It just sort of hit me. Maybe it was the cherry coke I had with my lunch, but I think there is more to it than that. God has reminded me over and over that He is faithful and Greg and I are at a point in our lives right now where we are witnessing that faithfulness. I was praying last night for more of his power and more of Him and I think He answered today.

I love it when God speaks to us when we least expect it.