Saturday, July 16, 2011

Breaking the Silence

I debated on whether or not I should write this blog. I wondered if it was too personal, too sad, or even too taboo. I wondered how people would react to someone being so open about something so painful and often not spoken about. Then, I decided that this blog is where I share most of my feelings, good and bad. I realized that I find healing in writing things down. For me, healing takes place when I take the thoughts swimming through my head and put them into words or onto paper. When the thoughts get trapped in my head they seem to weigh me down. They build on each other and grow and grow until my mind feels like it might burst. I’ve thought about this a lot and decided it’s time to share.

At the end of May I had a miscarriage at 12 weeks. The day I had been looking forward to for 3 months was turned into the day from hell. Our precious little baby had stopped growing at 9 weeks. For over 3 weeks my body tried to hold on to something that was lost. I won’t go into all of the details but the story of the actual miscarriage ended with waiting for almost a week and then going through a D&C. My body was determined to keep the pregnancy going even when it couldn’t.

Now, I’m here grieving the loss of a child I never knew. More than that, I’m grieving the loss of a future that had been dreamed about since we started trying to get pregnant. I thought about whom this child would become, what they would look like, and how much they would love Jesus. I felt as though I was having a boy, and I wondered what a great big brother they would be. I wondered how they would lead their future siblings to follow Jesus. I thought about how great of a dad Greg would be. I often daydreamed of the day that he would look into our child’s eyes and fall deeply in love with them. I looked forward to our first Christmas as a family. Now, I am left alone with my thoughts.

The past month and a half has not been what I thought it would be. As we all know, God’s timing is best. But, to be honest I still struggle with why this is happening and why now. I am left waiting on God to show me how this fits into His plan. I know that He will, but right now I seem to be stuck in murky waters. Life is confusing and little seems to be going our way. But, we are blessed and I will continue to do my best to praise Jesus in the midst of this trial. Every time I get knocked down I know that He will pick me back up. When I feel like crumbling under the pressure of life, I know that he will hold me close. Our God is a loving and gracious God and He does all things for the good of those who trust Him. So, I hold on to that hope. I am learning how to trust Him and His plan for my life. I know that He is good and I just hope and pray that He is glorified through my life.

The other piece of hope I hold dear is knowing that our dear child is now with Jesus. He or She didn’t even have to endure the troubles of this world. They are praising Jesus in heaven. Better they be with Jesus, than here for my selfish wishes. As much as I grieve the loss of the days I would have had with our precious baby, I praise God that they are safe in His arms.

So, we will keep moving through the murky waters of grief with hope of some clarity. Right now we are stuck figuring out where to go from here. When a job recently came open I had hope that maybe God just really wanted me to be a school counselor for awhile, but that fell through and now I am left wondering what to do. So I wait on Jesus and pray that He is glorified even in my grief.