My last post, though littered with typos and misfit wording (thanks iPhone) was just the beginning of my feelings on being a new mom. Now, I am 10 weeks in (say what?!) and everyday I continue to learn and grow. Jesus is continually challenging my perceptions of motherhood, wifedom, and the like.
I am often challenged to trust my creator more than I have had to before, to rely on Jesus to bring me peace. I had a feeling Jesus would challenge me in many areas, trust being the main one. I had no idea He would decide that this time of great change and upheaval would be a wonderful time to challenge my identity, my ideas on womanhood, my fit into ministry and life, and my understanding of true joy and happiness. I think God's sense of humor often shines in His timing.
The latter of those was probably the most surprising. One would assume that when you have everything you wanted (stable job, great husband, house, baby, financial security) that you would inherently find happiness and joy. That has not been the case for me, and it ought not be for you either. Do not misread what I am saying. Those things bring me great joy. My husband's caring demeanor and ultra helpfulness, along with his foray into fatherhood makes my heart overflow with happiness and thankfulness. My sweet daughter's smiles make me cry tears of joy often.
But still, many days I have found myself unhappy. I find myself, overwhelmed, anxious, tired, and just down. The best conclusion I have come to is understanding that my joy cannot solely come from what God does for me, but who God is. I often feel the weight of what God has given me, and I have immense fear of it being ripped from my grasp. This is when I came to the conclusion that my hope, happiness, and joy must come primarily from Jesus. What he has given me brings me great joy, but my trust must rely on Jesus, not my possessions. Jesus ought to be my all regardless of my life circumstance, be it joyous or dismal.
In my attempts to have it all together, to find happiness, I am often fraught with anxiety about what may go wrong, what I could lose. I am reminded often that I need Jesus. I can never have it all together, I can never predict what will or will not happen. Instead, I learn to trust, I learn to lean on Jesus.
Zechariah 2:5 says "And I will be to her a wall of fire all around, declares the Lord, and I will be the glory in her midst." This is a promise of God, that he will protect us and that through his protection and his ultimate goodness, HE will be glorified. What peace that verse brings, and what joy. That in God's mighty love for us, he would protect his children. So, I rest in this truth, knowing that bad things will happen, I won't always be the best mother, wife, friend or daughter, but in the end God will be there and He will be glorified.
Being Mom to this girl:
and wife to this guy:
are the greatest gifts God has ever given me!