I am quickly realizing that it is hard to write a blog about deep personal issues with a bouncy song titled smile blasting through my speakers. Thats better, the next song is a bit more subdued, perhaps my new problem will be losing my place due to breaking out in song. If my thoughts become cloudy and seem confused, its probably due to me singing and typing the lyrics.
Anyways, to the title of my blog. Bold. I got prayer yesterday because I have been feeling terribly disconnected in all areas of my life. I have felt lonely, friendless, disparate, and all together lost. I realized quite swiftly upon Cassie's departure that I had not nurtured the amount of friendships that I thought I had. I immediately felt left out and completely alone. Don't misunderstand, I know I have several really close deep friendships. However, they all live in different city's than Lafayette.
I love my church and all of the people in it, yet I still feel lost in the shuffle. I think that this is partly due to my lack of boldness, partly to my constant desire to feel noticed, and partly due to me wanting to do great things and be noticed for them. Please note that the last two surround my struggles with pride. I tend to hope that people will befriend me, come to me. I forget that I am capable of befriending others and taking that first step. I so desire to find other women in the church that I feel like I connect with on a deep level and that I feel I can be myself around. I do see the major flaw in my thinking. I should be able to be myself, however wacky that side of me may be. But I can't. I think far too much of what others think of me to be able to let that side of me be shown to anyone.
This is a recent revelation to me, that I hide a side of myself. I have always thought that because I tend to be so open and so quick to tell my story that I don't have any walls. But I do. I create walls for protection, for safety from the scorn of strangers, so people wont think badly of me. (by the way, the recentness of this revelation is about 30 seconds).
So who is the real me? Im not sure I even know at times. I know that I am sarcastic, highly sensitive, loving, kind, and quite silly when in the right mood. Im competitive, compulsive, lack a filter, quiet, shy, and quite reserved. I like to sing loudly in my car, in my house, or anywhere where people can't hear me really. I dance around and act silly when no one is looking. I want to help others and Im giving (thanks to my family who taught me that no matter how little you have, you still have enough to give to others). I want to be heard, seen, and loved. I am loved by my husband and my family and my friends, but I have a hard time accepting it for what it is. I am creative and artistic beyond what I ever thought was possible of myself. I am a true over achiever and yes-woman. Sometimes, well often, I stretch myself to thin and have to rethink the decisions I have made. I am anxious and worry far too often. I care deeply for others and for the children who have been forgotten or mistreated by their parents. I cry a lot, even now. I want to be a godly woman and I do feel that Im getting there. I love to cook and bake and share my home and my food with friends and family. Lastly, I think Im pretty funny, at least I try to be. I love laughter and joy.
So there you go. Take me or leave me. That is who I am and Im not changing anytime soon. Maybe this boldness that I need to find, is the boldness to just be myself. Or maybe I need to be more willing to approach others and less worried about being approached. So here is my first step of boldness. I need an accountability partner. I don't have one and it seems that every time I try to make one happen it doesn't work out. So Im just gonna throw that one out there.
The song playing now is just simply repeating "all we can do is keep breathing." How fitting. God will take care of all of my needs, including my need to feel included and loved. I think I need to go find some refuge in my creator, figure out what I need to do next, and just keep breathing.
Just keep breathing.
God, thank you for the friends I have, the friends I will make, and the amazing people you have placed in my life. Thank you for revelations and reawakening. Thank you for making me who I am, creating me the way you knew I would be. Thank you for loving broken, breakable, me.