Brace yourself, this may be a long post.
New year, new resolutions. I, like most others, want to make a fresh start and lead a healthier life. This means making resolutions to work out and eat better. Greg and I plan to work out 3 times a week and I have resolved (or at least hope to) not to eat as much fast food. I say as much because I have allowed myself certain fast foods for the year. Basically, if I am going to eat fast food, it will be at subway, jimmy johns, or chipotle. If I find myself stuck at a McDonald's or Wendy's I will be finding myself a salad. Here's to hoping.
Another resolution I am trying is the idea of reading the bible in a year. Needless to say, Im off to a bad start. Hopefully getting back into a routine will remedy some of my current lack of motivation and pure laziness.
Concretely, my resolution should be "Don't give up." I tend to start something and never finish (example: picture of the day or C25k). Recently, I watched Julie & Julia and found myself pining to persevere. Simply, I would like to actually finish something that I start, other than school that is.
On a totally unrelated note, I've been thinking a lot lately about friendship, community, and simply living like a godly woman. Wondering what that looks like? How it feels? Am I living that out? My answer: I don't know. I find myself consistently torn between wanting a career and wanting a family, wanting independence and thinking I should be dependent, wanting to work and wanting to stay home, wanting to be bold and thinking I should be quiet and meek. I'm stuck. I read Proverbs 31:10-31 and get even more confused. The godly women I look up to tend to be stay at home mothers who seem so put together. Heaven knows, I am far less than put together. I get mad, throw tantrums, and even yell at my husband when he makes me angry. I pout, I cry, I whine. In my mind these women never yell or raise their voices, they are slow to anger and quick to serve their husbands. I am sure they are not perfect, in fact I know they aren't. Should I be staying at home? Should I be doing all of the house work and cooking? I have this unexplainable fear that getting my master's degree is somehow sinful. That somehow I am not serving my husband or my future children by pursuing a career. That I'm wasting my time. Yet, a wise woman once told me "Obeying Jesus is never a waste." I believed her then and believe her now. I do see that being a Proverbs 31 woman can include working, she worked and she worked hard. But what does that look like today? Can women and men share household responsibilities? Can the man cook and clean? Should the wife be doing all of this? I think I need to go find a book about this, because writing this all down seems to be confusing me more. If anyone out there has an answer... please comment and lift some of this fog. Even a book suggestion would suffice. Can you sense my confusion? This paragraph doesn't even really end, it just stops, muddled and senseless.
10 A wife of noble character who can find?
She is worth far more than rubies.
11 Her husband has full confidence in her
and lacks nothing of value.
12 She brings him good, not harm,
all the days of her life.
13 She selects wool and flax
and works with eager hands.
14 She is like the merchant ships,
bringing her food from afar.
15 She gets up while it is still dark;
she provides food for her family
and portions for her servant girls.
16 She considers a field and buys it;
out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.
17 She sets about her work vigorously;
her arms are strong for her tasks.
18 She sees that her trading is profitable,
and her lamp does not go out at night.
19 In her hand she holds the distaff
and grasps the spindle with her fingers.
20 She opens her arms to the poor
and extends her hands to the needy.
21 When it snows, she has no fear for her household;
for all of them are clothed in scarlet.
22 She makes coverings for her bed;
she is clothed in fine linen and purple.
23 Her husband is respected at the city gate,
where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.
24 She makes linen garments and sells them,
and supplies the merchants with sashes.
25 She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come.
26 She speaks with wisdom,
and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
27 She watches over the affairs of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.
28 Her children arise and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:
29 "Many women do noble things,
but you surpass them all."
30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.
31 Give her the reward she has earned,
and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.