I have never felt so ill equipped to do anything in my life. Never. I am one of those people who is pretty good at the whole fake it til you make it phenomena. In college, I managed to write a ten page paper on a book that I read the same amount of pages of. I got an A. (It was for extra credit and I don't think the prof even read it)
In grad school I managed my way through grueling internships by feigning confidence in the midst of sheer terror at the impact I may or may not have on the lives of those I came into contact with.
Motherhood, is a totally different ballgame. I always knew I wanted to be a mom. Always. I wanted lots and lots of babies. Now that I am in the throws of motherhood, expecting number two within the next 3 months, I am not far from crawling into bed, assuming the fetal position, and waiting out the storm. My child has been incredibly easy, until recently. She figured out that she can willfully disobey Mommy and honestly I think she thinks it's hilarious. She often stands up in a chair we have in our play room and looks at me like "yep, I just did that, what are you going to do about it? Oh pull me out, nice try mom, I'll just go ahead and climb back in and do it again." Funny, sinful, little child.
This child, at only 15 months, knows how to push my buttons at just the right times. And I get angry and then think, how am I going to do this as she gets older? How will I do this with two? HOW? Oh and there is no way short of a miracle that this little boy will be as easy and laid back as his sister was as a baby. No way.
Then I think of my bed, and again I'm tempted to crawl in and never come out.
Until I think of all the goofy things that E does, the laughs, the giggles, the obsession with my scarves and anything that can substitute as a bracelet. The silly faces and dances she does.
That's motherhood. The joyous mess. It's beautifully humbling and entirely terrifying, but simply amazing at the same time.
Motherhood makes you into this person you never knew you could be. Someone who is obsessed with bodily functions, especially poop. Is it the right color, consistency? Oh look, she ate some crayon, thats an unexpected surprise! Someone who loves this little being more than they ever thought possible. Someone who willingly gives up fancy clothes, showering at normal times, eating warm meals, and their thought of the perfectly clean and decorated home for their child.
Its humbling, surprising, and often hilariously messy.
Thank God that we don't have to be prepared for everything, that He meets us in every messy chaotic moment and grows us into better mothers with each blowout, each throw of the cup, each whine, hit or bite.
Thank God that we don't need to meet perfection, that He is the perfect one and that we get to share that with our children when we mess up. "See Mommy needs Jesus just as much as you do because she gets mad and sins and has to ask for forgiveness too"
Someday I will look back and miss these days terribly. The days that I could pick up my child and hold her tight. The days that she pooped in the tub, threw her cup 45 times, whined, complained, and then gave mommy the sweetest hug. I will miss each sweet mispronounced word.
Because someday she will be a teenager, and knowing how I was, and knowing how many are during that time, I will look back and beg for her biggest issues to be throwing cups and pooping in unexpected places. Because its much easier to clean up a mess on the floor, than a hurting heart or broken friendship.
So for now, thank God for spilled milk and standing in chairs.
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