On Friday night our friend Lauren came over and watched our little E so that Greg and I could go out on a date. Those have been few and far between in the past months and it was a wonderful getaway, even if only for a couple hours.
After a little Mini Golf (which by the way, in case you were wondering I am horrible at) we went for some fro yo. Greg doesn't really like fro yo, but thankfully he loves his wife and sacrifices for her from time to time. Anyways, back to the point. While we were enjoying our fro yo outside we talked about various things. One thing that came up was how I have been blogging a lot more recently. I looked at my husband, who hates loaded questions, and shot one at him. "Do you think it's ok that I write what I write on my blog?" Or something along those lines, I'm pregnant, details elude me sometimes.
It was loaded though, I know that. I do that on purpose sometimes. Mainly because I know he is one person who will be truthful with me. He might try to sugarcoat it a little, but I've known the guy for more than a decade and I can read him well enough to know what he is really trying to say.
He shot back an equally loaded question. "Well, why do you write it?"
Hm. Um. I'm not sure. Wait, let me think about this. I was not prepared for that question. I hadn't really thought about it before. Do I write a blog for attention? For influence? Just because?
Let's be real, it's probably a little of all three. However, I think the biggest reason I write is because I am a very verbal person. I like words, although my grammar has a lot to be desired, there is something about putting words on paper (or on a computer screen) that take them from floating about in my head to being worthwhile. It gives my thoughts meaning and reason. And I have a lot of thoughts. Lots of them. Really, my brain is pretty hard to shut down.
So, you all get to see a sort of public journal. For awhile I thought this would be a great focus for my food and my photography, or funny quips about raising children. It hasn't been that though. If you notice I write a lot about God and what He is doing in and around me. Not because I am super spiritual or that I even know what he is doing, but because it takes my questions for and about God and puts meaning to them.
When things are difficult, I write. I write truth because I need to be reminded of that truth. In my writing I make the assumption that I'm not alone in my questions. In my wondering about why God chooses to do what he does. I assume that others might be encouraged by being reminded about the same truths that I seem to need to drill into my own head over and over. God loves us. He has grace on us. He has a plan. That's what it all comes down to really. God's plan doesn't always align with ours and then we are left with unmet expectations that we then have to deal with. We have to question, we have wrestle. We have to wrestle the lies and the half truths that the enemy feeds us, oh they sound good, but we have to get back to the truth. Back to reality.
So, that's why I write. I do want to have an influence, and according to the sermon in church this morning, "we are made to be influential." I want to have a positive impact. But really, I just want to understand God and his truths and the best way for me to do that is to write them down.
Sunday, August 11, 2013
Thursday, August 8, 2013
The Never Ending Battle with Mommy Guilt
If you are a Mom you have undoubtedly struggled with your fair share of "Mommy Guilt." I sense it daily, whether I've spent too much time looking at my phone, forgot to provide 5 different colors of food at dinner, struggled with our decision for me to stay at home, or decided that bath time could wait one more day because I'm tired and getting soaked while attempting to wash her hair just doesn't sound like my ideal for the night.
That's just a small taste of the little things that add up every day. The sneak up on you and smack you in the face with the harsh reality that you aren't good enough. You aren't perfect.
And don't forget how we are constantly comparing ourselves to other Moms. Moms who brush their hair every day. Moms who work and take care of their house and seem to do and have it all. Moms who feed their children a balanced, organic, diet of food from their meticulously maintained garden. Moms who bake their own bread, make everything from scratch, and manage a household full of children. Moms who have organized play dates and lesson plans from the time their child is an infant.
Can I tell you a secret? You aren't that Mom. And guess what? That is ok. Do me a favor, take a deep breath, relax, and realize that you will never be perfect.
There is freedom in imperfection. Freedom in knowing hard as we might try, we will never be the idealistic Super Mom we have built up. It's unattainable. Thank God for that.
What if we were perfect? What would our children learn? Would they learn how to set unreasonably high expectations for themselves? Would they beat themselves up each and every time they didn't meet those expectations? What about grace? Mercy? Forgiveness? There would be no room for mistakes, no room for failure. No room to grow and mature. No room for sanctification, for the refining fire that God uses to mold and shape the clay of our hearts when we are broken and vulnerable.
Don't aspire to be perfect. Aspire to be malleable and tender in the Potter's hand. That you would allow God to use your mistakes and your shortcomings to mold you into the Mom HE wants you to be. To allow God's tender grace and mercy to smooth the wrinkles and dimples of an imperfect person. That God would put you through the refining fire and you would come out just as He had planned, scars and all.
Jeremiah 18:1-6: The word that came to Jeremiah from the Lord: 2 “Arise, and go down to the potter's house, and there I will let you hear my words.” 3 So I went down to the potter's house, and there he was working at his wheel. 4 And the vessel he was making of clay was spoiled in the potter's hand, and he reworked it into another vessel, as it seemed good to the potter to do.
What if we were perfect? What would our children learn? Would they learn how to set unreasonably high expectations for themselves? Would they beat themselves up each and every time they didn't meet those expectations? What about grace? Mercy? Forgiveness? There would be no room for mistakes, no room for failure. No room to grow and mature. No room for sanctification, for the refining fire that God uses to mold and shape the clay of our hearts when we are broken and vulnerable.
Don't aspire to be perfect. Aspire to be malleable and tender in the Potter's hand. That you would allow God to use your mistakes and your shortcomings to mold you into the Mom HE wants you to be. To allow God's tender grace and mercy to smooth the wrinkles and dimples of an imperfect person. That God would put you through the refining fire and you would come out just as He had planned, scars and all.
Jeremiah 18:1-6: The word that came to Jeremiah from the Lord: 2 “Arise, and go down to the potter's house, and there I will let you hear my words.” 3 So I went down to the potter's house, and there he was working at his wheel. 4 And the vessel he was making of clay was spoiled in the potter's hand, and he reworked it into another vessel, as it seemed good to the potter to do.
5 Then the word of the Lord came to me: 6 “O house of Israel, can I not do with you as this potter has done? declares the Lord. Behold, like the clay in the potter's hand, so are you in my hand, O house of Israel.
Zechariah 13:9: And tI will put this third into the fire, and refine them as one refines silver, and test them as gold is tested. They will call upon my name, and vI will answer them. I will say, ‘They are my people’;and they will say, ‘The Lord is my God.’”
2 Corinthians 12:9: But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
Ok Moms, with grace as your shield and the truth as your sword, go forth and conquer yet another day. Another day that you get to teach your child that even Mommy is imperfect and needs Jesus to save her, to forgive her, to love and care for her.
OkO
Sunday, August 4, 2013
Let's Be Real
I've gotten hooked on a new phrase lately. Although it's not as cool as "presh" or "cray cray" or any other new hip lingo (how old am I? 65?) it's slowly working its way into my daily conversations.
"Let's be real" I can't tell you where I heard it or why I have been saying it more lately, but I think it reflects my current state of mind.
I highly value genuineness. But, let's be real, I'm not always the best at it. I think we all struggle with it from time to time, especially when that time is not so fun. Maybe that's why this has become a recent addition to my vocabulary. Times right now are not as fun as I'd hoped.
Let's be real.
Things lately have been rough. BUT, there have been so many glimmers of hope. God has shown Himself faithful in the most difficult of times in my life. He has provided for us in ways that don't make sense (like a $300 gift card showing up in the mail, or $1000 in an envelope with Greg's name on it with no note or name attached). God is providing, maybe we aren't where we want to be financially, but we serve a God who is God of finances and He knows what we need and when we need it.
So how do we show genuineness when life is pummeling us with lemons. We tell the truth. Things suck, but God is good. He is always good, even when it seems like nothing in life is going quite right. We choose joy and hope over despair and frustration. Choosing joy is not being fake. It's not denying that life can be crummy.
Joy says life is hard but what Jesus has done and is doing for me is far better than the negative.
2 Corinthians 4:16: So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day.
Joy says this suffering will lead to something good for me and to glory for God. It does not deny our hardship, it makes our hardship purposeful.
"Let's be real" I can't tell you where I heard it or why I have been saying it more lately, but I think it reflects my current state of mind.
I highly value genuineness. But, let's be real, I'm not always the best at it. I think we all struggle with it from time to time, especially when that time is not so fun. Maybe that's why this has become a recent addition to my vocabulary. Times right now are not as fun as I'd hoped.
Let's be real.
Things lately have been rough. BUT, there have been so many glimmers of hope. God has shown Himself faithful in the most difficult of times in my life. He has provided for us in ways that don't make sense (like a $300 gift card showing up in the mail, or $1000 in an envelope with Greg's name on it with no note or name attached). God is providing, maybe we aren't where we want to be financially, but we serve a God who is God of finances and He knows what we need and when we need it.
So how do we show genuineness when life is pummeling us with lemons. We tell the truth. Things suck, but God is good. He is always good, even when it seems like nothing in life is going quite right. We choose joy and hope over despair and frustration. Choosing joy is not being fake. It's not denying that life can be crummy.
Joy says life is hard but what Jesus has done and is doing for me is far better than the negative.
2 Corinthians 4:16: So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day.
Joy says this suffering will lead to something good for me and to glory for God. It does not deny our hardship, it makes our hardship purposeful.
Romans 5:3-5 Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.
So, let's be real. Our limited thinking tends to focus only on the negative (unless that's just me, then kudos to you Positive Polly, I wish I could be more like you) and in focusing on the negative we forget what God has done for us and we become blind to the good He is currently doing.
Let's be real. Let's be genuine. Let's hate the bad and evil in our lives and hold tight to what is good.
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
Miss me?
Hello blogging world, I'm back. Apparently I decided to take almost a year long blogging hiatus. Who knows when I will write again, so lets make this good.
The last time I wrote I was a newly minted mom in the throws of early motherhood. I was probably (read definitely) hormonal, sleep deprived, and scared out of my mind. Now I have a whole year worth of trial and error under my belt. Which, honestly, is nothing in the grand scheme of things. But I've learned a lot about love, grace, and forgiveness along the way. I've also learned more about myself and how my past has influenced my current self than I thought possible.
Above all of that, God has shown me how much he loves and cares for his kids. Before I was a mother, I prayed often for mothers that they would remember how much they love their children and how Jesus loves them immeasurably more. The thing is, I had no idea the depth of love you could have for a little person whose current functions in life are to eat, sleep, and poop. The kind of love that makes you burst into tears at the sight of the slightest smile (which is likely due to gas, and not mommy's presence). Or the kind of love that makes getting up in the middle of the night for 8 plus months bearable. The kind of love that makes you fear every weird noise or slight cough because obviously it means your child has the plague
You see. God loves us far more than we love our children. He loves us with this perfect unconditional love. I know how much I love my daughter. I would do anything for her. God loves us more. He is not a neglectful parent. He desires good for us, just like we want the best for our kids. Grasping this truth has made the difficulties of the past year more bearable than if I didn't have a child. I've begun to see this temporary affliction as just that, temporary. It's a season and it will pass just as the others have. There will be seasons of plenty and seasons of dryness. The key is to remember, through it all, God wants the best for us and he will use those seasons to refine and shape us. Just as we hope to refine and shape our children.
The last time I wrote I was a newly minted mom in the throws of early motherhood. I was probably (read definitely) hormonal, sleep deprived, and scared out of my mind. Now I have a whole year worth of trial and error under my belt. Which, honestly, is nothing in the grand scheme of things. But I've learned a lot about love, grace, and forgiveness along the way. I've also learned more about myself and how my past has influenced my current self than I thought possible.
Above all of that, God has shown me how much he loves and cares for his kids. Before I was a mother, I prayed often for mothers that they would remember how much they love their children and how Jesus loves them immeasurably more. The thing is, I had no idea the depth of love you could have for a little person whose current functions in life are to eat, sleep, and poop. The kind of love that makes you burst into tears at the sight of the slightest smile (which is likely due to gas, and not mommy's presence). Or the kind of love that makes getting up in the middle of the night for 8 plus months bearable. The kind of love that makes you fear every weird noise or slight cough because obviously it means your child has the plague
You see. God loves us far more than we love our children. He loves us with this perfect unconditional love. I know how much I love my daughter. I would do anything for her. God loves us more. He is not a neglectful parent. He desires good for us, just like we want the best for our kids. Grasping this truth has made the difficulties of the past year more bearable than if I didn't have a child. I've begun to see this temporary affliction as just that, temporary. It's a season and it will pass just as the others have. There will be seasons of plenty and seasons of dryness. The key is to remember, through it all, God wants the best for us and he will use those seasons to refine and shape us. Just as we hope to refine and shape our children.
Sunday, September 2, 2012
Being Mom
My last post, though littered with typos and misfit wording (thanks iPhone) was just the beginning of my feelings on being a new mom. Now, I am 10 weeks in (say what?!) and everyday I continue to learn and grow. Jesus is continually challenging my perceptions of motherhood, wifedom, and the like.
I am often challenged to trust my creator more than I have had to before, to rely on Jesus to bring me peace. I had a feeling Jesus would challenge me in many areas, trust being the main one. I had no idea He would decide that this time of great change and upheaval would be a wonderful time to challenge my identity, my ideas on womanhood, my fit into ministry and life, and my understanding of true joy and happiness. I think God's sense of humor often shines in His timing.
The latter of those was probably the most surprising. One would assume that when you have everything you wanted (stable job, great husband, house, baby, financial security) that you would inherently find happiness and joy. That has not been the case for me, and it ought not be for you either. Do not misread what I am saying. Those things bring me great joy. My husband's caring demeanor and ultra helpfulness, along with his foray into fatherhood makes my heart overflow with happiness and thankfulness. My sweet daughter's smiles make me cry tears of joy often.
But still, many days I have found myself unhappy. I find myself, overwhelmed, anxious, tired, and just down. The best conclusion I have come to is understanding that my joy cannot solely come from what God does for me, but who God is. I often feel the weight of what God has given me, and I have immense fear of it being ripped from my grasp. This is when I came to the conclusion that my hope, happiness, and joy must come primarily from Jesus. What he has given me brings me great joy, but my trust must rely on Jesus, not my possessions. Jesus ought to be my all regardless of my life circumstance, be it joyous or dismal.
In my attempts to have it all together, to find happiness, I am often fraught with anxiety about what may go wrong, what I could lose. I am reminded often that I need Jesus. I can never have it all together, I can never predict what will or will not happen. Instead, I learn to trust, I learn to lean on Jesus.
Zechariah 2:5 says "And I will be to her a wall of fire all around, declares the Lord, and I will be the glory in her midst." This is a promise of God, that he will protect us and that through his protection and his ultimate goodness, HE will be glorified. What peace that verse brings, and what joy. That in God's mighty love for us, he would protect his children. So, I rest in this truth, knowing that bad things will happen, I won't always be the best mother, wife, friend or daughter, but in the end God will be there and He will be glorified.
Being Mom to this girl:
and wife to this guy:
are the greatest gifts God has ever given me!
I am often challenged to trust my creator more than I have had to before, to rely on Jesus to bring me peace. I had a feeling Jesus would challenge me in many areas, trust being the main one. I had no idea He would decide that this time of great change and upheaval would be a wonderful time to challenge my identity, my ideas on womanhood, my fit into ministry and life, and my understanding of true joy and happiness. I think God's sense of humor often shines in His timing.
The latter of those was probably the most surprising. One would assume that when you have everything you wanted (stable job, great husband, house, baby, financial security) that you would inherently find happiness and joy. That has not been the case for me, and it ought not be for you either. Do not misread what I am saying. Those things bring me great joy. My husband's caring demeanor and ultra helpfulness, along with his foray into fatherhood makes my heart overflow with happiness and thankfulness. My sweet daughter's smiles make me cry tears of joy often.
But still, many days I have found myself unhappy. I find myself, overwhelmed, anxious, tired, and just down. The best conclusion I have come to is understanding that my joy cannot solely come from what God does for me, but who God is. I often feel the weight of what God has given me, and I have immense fear of it being ripped from my grasp. This is when I came to the conclusion that my hope, happiness, and joy must come primarily from Jesus. What he has given me brings me great joy, but my trust must rely on Jesus, not my possessions. Jesus ought to be my all regardless of my life circumstance, be it joyous or dismal.
In my attempts to have it all together, to find happiness, I am often fraught with anxiety about what may go wrong, what I could lose. I am reminded often that I need Jesus. I can never have it all together, I can never predict what will or will not happen. Instead, I learn to trust, I learn to lean on Jesus.
Zechariah 2:5 says "And I will be to her a wall of fire all around, declares the Lord, and I will be the glory in her midst." This is a promise of God, that he will protect us and that through his protection and his ultimate goodness, HE will be glorified. What peace that verse brings, and what joy. That in God's mighty love for us, he would protect his children. So, I rest in this truth, knowing that bad things will happen, I won't always be the best mother, wife, friend or daughter, but in the end God will be there and He will be glorified.
Being Mom to this girl:
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Motherhood
Forgive the me for the lack of posts as of late, having a baby is a wonderfully tiring experience and one in which little else seems to matter. However, as I lay here with a semi awake baby on my chest with my husband snoring away next to me, I can't help but be so thankful for the grace of God and what he has done for us in the past year.
When you lose a baby to miscarriage, the following baby is called your rainbow by. I am not sure who deemed it so, but it is so incredibly fitting. A year ago we were still mourning the loss of our precious baby that we never knew and now I am laying here with our gift from God, our answer to prayer. God chose the rainbow as a symbol of his fulfillment of his promises and that is exactly what this feels like, a fulfillment of something we hoped and prayed for. I am often overcome with gratitude for this wonderful gift of a child. I will just stare at her and think "why would God be so gracious to give us this chance to be her parents because we definitely do not deserve such a gift."
Motherhood is challenging on so many levels but I really do love if. You dont know what Selflessness is until you have a child. You also realize how much trust is required tod you to trust Jesus with. Of only your life but you or child's as well.
Well she is asleep so I need to attempt to sleep as well. More later.
Thursday, May 10, 2012
The Adventure that is Life
"Life is an adventure."
That is what my grandfather said to me months ago after our miscarriage and subsequent struggles. It struck a chord with me then, and it has stayed with me for the past months. I have realized that this quote has never been more accurate a description for our life. The past year has held so many ups and downs, laughter and tears, grief and excitement, and so much more. I am not sure God could pack more into one year.
In the past year we had a miscarriage, followed by a second loss (chemical pregnancy), and in October we found out we were expecting again. Then 10 weeks in we got to hear our precious little girl's heartbeat. I will never forget the relief I felt when we heard that wonderful sound. 10 weeks later we got to see her and name her Ellia. Ellia means the Lord has answered, and her name could not be more fitting. We prayed hard for this little girl and He answered us.
During this time I had finished graduate school and began looking for a job as a school counselor. I had an interview for my dream job and did not get it. Instead, I took a low paying, but fun job as a para at a local middle school. I grew to love those kids and I am glad that I've been able to keep in touch with them. I applied for a job at Purdue, not expecting to get it and to our surprise, I did. I am amazed at how much I enjoy my job and God has placed me in a position that will allow me to work from home some after Baby E makes her debut.
On top of all of this Greg also took a new position at a local bank and began working normal hours with a consistent paycheck. For the first time in our marriage we were finally able to start saving money to purchase something big, something really big. Last month, we bought our first home. The home where we will raise Baby E and hopefully some of her siblings. Oh and for over a month we had a teenager living with us while he figured out some family issues.
So to tally that is: 1 graduation, 3 job changes, 1 successful pregnancy, 1 new puppy, 1 new house, 1 extended visitor, and numerous other ups and downs.
We had both been praying that God would move us into a time of blessing, I just hadn't expected that God would throw everything at us at once. I am immensely grateful for His grace and patience during this stress filled last year. God's provision has been so evident over the past year, and yet at times I still let everything overwhelm me. I have to constantly remind myself to focus on what he has done for us, but at the same time remember that it is not about what He does for us, it's about who he is and how he changes us to make us more like him. To build character in us. It's not always pleasant, but in the end it is always worth it. The last 5 years have been nothing short of an adventure.
I have to end this post by thanking God for providing an amazing husband to lead and walk beside me during the past 5 years. Our anniversary is this weekend and I am just overcome with thankfulness for the man of God that Greg is. I don't know how to end this post with anything other than thanking God for His provision and grace over the last year.
That is what my grandfather said to me months ago after our miscarriage and subsequent struggles. It struck a chord with me then, and it has stayed with me for the past months. I have realized that this quote has never been more accurate a description for our life. The past year has held so many ups and downs, laughter and tears, grief and excitement, and so much more. I am not sure God could pack more into one year.
In the past year we had a miscarriage, followed by a second loss (chemical pregnancy), and in October we found out we were expecting again. Then 10 weeks in we got to hear our precious little girl's heartbeat. I will never forget the relief I felt when we heard that wonderful sound. 10 weeks later we got to see her and name her Ellia. Ellia means the Lord has answered, and her name could not be more fitting. We prayed hard for this little girl and He answered us.
During this time I had finished graduate school and began looking for a job as a school counselor. I had an interview for my dream job and did not get it. Instead, I took a low paying, but fun job as a para at a local middle school. I grew to love those kids and I am glad that I've been able to keep in touch with them. I applied for a job at Purdue, not expecting to get it and to our surprise, I did. I am amazed at how much I enjoy my job and God has placed me in a position that will allow me to work from home some after Baby E makes her debut.
On top of all of this Greg also took a new position at a local bank and began working normal hours with a consistent paycheck. For the first time in our marriage we were finally able to start saving money to purchase something big, something really big. Last month, we bought our first home. The home where we will raise Baby E and hopefully some of her siblings. Oh and for over a month we had a teenager living with us while he figured out some family issues.
So to tally that is: 1 graduation, 3 job changes, 1 successful pregnancy, 1 new puppy, 1 new house, 1 extended visitor, and numerous other ups and downs.
We had both been praying that God would move us into a time of blessing, I just hadn't expected that God would throw everything at us at once. I am immensely grateful for His grace and patience during this stress filled last year. God's provision has been so evident over the past year, and yet at times I still let everything overwhelm me. I have to constantly remind myself to focus on what he has done for us, but at the same time remember that it is not about what He does for us, it's about who he is and how he changes us to make us more like him. To build character in us. It's not always pleasant, but in the end it is always worth it. The last 5 years have been nothing short of an adventure.
I have to end this post by thanking God for providing an amazing husband to lead and walk beside me during the past 5 years. Our anniversary is this weekend and I am just overcome with thankfulness for the man of God that Greg is. I don't know how to end this post with anything other than thanking God for His provision and grace over the last year.
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