Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Topsy Turvy

I'm feeling a bit lost lately. Not sure where I fit in. With friends, with work, with possible furthering of education, and with possible parenthood on the horizon (no not pregnant and not planning on it, more on that later.)

I'm in this odd area of life, one that I am none to familiar with, and not to pleased with either. Although I enjoy being young, married, and out trying to save the world, I still feel like I'm stuck in the middle. Im young enough that I should be hanging out with friends, going out, having fun, and at the same time working on mutual married couple friends. It just gets confusing at times. To be completely honest, I have always had a really hard time feeling like I fit in, so this weird area only intensifies the issue.

Work thus far has been great, I really think I will enjoy my job. Its just that right now I'm the new kid in school and I hate that feeling. I had grown accustomed to working in a small office with 5 other women who had very similar values to mine. Now I work in a mental hospital with proably 30 to 50 women and men on my wing alone, all with different values and ideas, and well its just a lot more lonely, at least for now. Things will improve, it takes time to get acclimated to new people, new surroundings, and new bosses.

As for the parenting comment. I was in target probably a week or two ago when I overheard a couple talking to another couple about how they just got a new foster child. I left the store thinking, I wish that were me, I wish I were able to start helping those kids now. Then I started reading this book, Crazy Love by Francis Chan, and he talks about living your life to the fullest potential that God has given you and not waiting, because lets be honest, we may not be here tomorrow. So, a night in which I thought I would read one chapter, turned into two, then three, then half the book and three pages of journaling later and I realize, What the heck am I waiting for.

There is the obvious that Greg needs to finish college and we would like to have a house before we start this (for stability for the child) but other than that, what are we waiting for? Nowhere does it say that you must be 30 with three children of your own and all in school, to begin to be a foster parent. Nowhere does it say that you even have to be married or own your own home, or know what your plan is for life, or even have a plan for that matter. So you tell me, what am I waiting for? Sounds sort of silly now doesn't it. Granted becoming a mother at 24 or 25 terrifies me, especially a mother of a child who has been through more than me, I know that my passion is giving these kids a home. I don't care who they are, what they've been through, or what they have done, I just want them to have a place where they feel like they belong, a place to be loved.

Understand this is still in question, but its just been something that has been on my heart lately, and even Greg's. So, I guess for now, I will go on trusting God that he has a path and that as long as I follow him, I will end up on that path.

I think that part of my frustration lies in the fact that I don't have my own plan laid out anymore. I used to be set: get married, get an internship at riley, become a child life specialist, go on with my life. Then it turned into maybe not child life, then maybe grad school. All of the sudden I don't know which way to go, which way to turn, and I just feel lost. So, Ill keep praying and hoping that God gives me ears to hear when he answers.

Ok enough tangents. Goodnight.

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