Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Up, Down, All around

Curve balls are an expected, obvious part of life. Over the past few months I have seen my fair share of curve balls, plus some.

I wanted to go to grad school, then I didn't, then I wanted to go for school counseling, then I was unsure, then I wanted to start an orphanage, then I was unsure, then it all got flipped on its side. I had said for the past month that if I did not get into grad school I would probably see that as my answer as to whether or not I should go. Then, it came, the email of all emails. My husband warned me of its arrival (but did so in a deceiving manner). The words were clear as day, yet stark as night. "You have many qualities that we like to see in a school counselor, HOWEVER, because of the great pool of people you have been placed on our wait list."

I had waited for this moment for a month, my expectations were that I would be fine either way, ecstatic if I got in, relieved if I did not. Emotions are tricky, they sneak up on you when you least expect them. I bawled. I cried for the whole night basically. Although it was not a clear rejection, it was like getting dumped. Lets just be friends and see where it goes from there.

So, as I always say, what now, what are you going to do about it. After the initial rejection wore off, relief did come. Relief that I may be able to start a family sooner than I had thought, relief that I have the option of starting the orphanage/group home, relief that I can be a foster parent within the next 4 years. My relief was just a bit delayed, due to the snow perhaps.

Now, I still feel like Im floundering a bit. I don't yet know if I have clear direction. But, man I love working with my kids. Ive only had them for a couple weeks and they stress me out and make me crazy, but I love them. Needless to say, I like my job.

Also, I have options, I am not bound to one major or one career path. I just keep praying that God uses me however he pleases, and that my flip-flop-dont-know-what-to-do-with-my-life-feel-like-Im-going-in-a-million-directions funk doesn't get in the way of HIS plans for my life.

Maybe Im just a little bit crazy (you have to be to work in social work), but I am kind of liking where I am at all the sudden. Not completely knowing lends to my reliance on God, and thats a good place to be.

There's your update, in as creative of a blog as I can muster after a long day.

Who knows, maybe I will just end up a photographer, God has done stranger things...

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