Tuesday, January 6, 2009

"I build myself up and fly around in circles" -Chasing Pavements, Adele

Isn't it interesting how emotions can change in an instance? One minute you feel fine and happy the next down and depressed. This describes my past two weeks, especially today. I don't know what is up with me, I just can't seem to break this funk.

My husband asks whats wrong, why I'm so sad, and yet I fail to reply. Not because I'm not listening or because I am angry with him, but because I just don't know. Maybe its hormones (no I'm not pregnant)(and yes I know that is what you immediately thought), maybe SAD (seasonal affect disorder), or maybe I'm just in a funk. I think the final of the three is probably the most accurate.

I have noticed lately that I have had a serious lack of motivation. I don't have a job and I just graduated. Ive hit this point where you are supposed to make it or break it. I'm supposed to be out there helping people, but no one is hiring (and honestly other than searching the internet daily, my search has been less than stellar.) So what do I do, sleep in til 11 (pathetic I know) and stay in my jammies til 3. Inside, I am yearning to be back in the world making any difference I can, even if its the smallest. As I would say to any of my friends facing a similar situation, what are you going to do about it? Words are worthless without actions behind them. You can talk all you want about doing this or that, but its what you do, what you make of your life, that defines who you really are. I can say I want to do this, I want to make a difference, but if I do not try or motivate myself in some way, those words, the ones that meant so much at the moment I said them, will fade away into obscurity only to be ressurected when I feel that twinge once again.

So what am I going to do? I don't know. Im thinking I will go take resumes around to places that may hire and maybe just pour myself into my bible (something that has been seriously lacking lately.) I think a trip back to my relationship with God would be a proper move at this time. I find it funny that life can get in the way of my relationship with God. Graduations, christmas breaks, weddings, and travels seem to impede my communication with my creator. Let's be honest, living my life seems to impede my communication. Finding time for devotions and prayer is hard for me, and the guilt of that thought haunts me almost daily. My time, the time that God has given me to do His work, is what stands in the way of my relationship with him. As I "grow up" I am finding that we have less time, less time to work, to play, to love, and to laugh. Less time to do what God has put us here to do. What do I do, push aside my time with God to spend my time doing other less important things.

Maybe that's my answer, spend some more time with God. I can already tell you it will most likely bring me out of this funk and more than likely lead to some clarity in what I should be doing right now. Only time will tell (no pun intended).

I love how therapuetic blogging can be.

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